--- In SkunkworksAMA_at_yahoogroups.com, "kallie_mouse
<kalliemouse_at_h...>" <kalliemouse_at_h...> wrote:
> This is the first story i have ever writen or posted anywhere.
> coments, advice and thoughts are more then welcome.
First off, good topic. It wasn't porn and that earns you points;
along with that it was drama--also good.
Though, you need to relax. Your writing style is too tense, in a
word. Use "can't", "don't", and try to have your characters speak
with a more human quality--right now it's a step above emotionless
robot.
And the ending... Well, this is a matter of personal taste, of
course, but it is a little sappy and not a way to come down from the
drama of the first half. You did a 180 and went into romance novel
land with the "pressing of bodies" and such; and that really didn't
help the story any.
But again, good topic.
Received on Thu Feb 13 2003 - 00:32:03 CST